this is an expirement

twenty.1

throwback.

thought process.

For my 21st birthday my parents took me to go see Wicked in Minneapolis. It is the second time I have seen it (the first being in LDN). I loved it all over again. Like the first time, I have had defying gravity in my head again and again and again all.day.long.
While wishs of being able to sing like that crowd nearly ever corner of my head there is a little left over room for one single line:
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I am flying free".

I am not immune to the appeal of the unobtainable, I do want what I can't have, but I am also infatuated with the ability to dream and live and feel like I have acomplished the impossible.
Considering some of the low points I put myself through this past year I have in some way defied my own gravity that I created for myself.

I use to think I was one of those kids who was lucky enough to always know exactly who they were, what they wanted, and where they were going. Mohawks, Pink hair and chains were an outward manefesto of everything I knew I was and knew I wanted to be.
Since my present state is lacking all of the above, some questions naturally developed on their own in responce: where did it go? No more pink hair? No more chains and lace and studs? If that is who I AM... what happened?

A few months ago I realized I knew who I had been (and even who I was) but I was not who I NEEDED to be.

I though that being older never felt any different...
I was wrong... I'm 21 and I do feel different.
I feel more alive.
I feel lighter (and not just becasue I am loosing weight).

Maybe I am defying gravity


I believe that inspiration is around us everywhere
I believe the best way to find yourself is to get lost
I believe time away from technology is necessary
I believe that dogs are man's best friend
I believe that we are capable of way more
I believe in music
I believe when you are close to god the rest falls into place

I want to go back to Rome
I want to to back to Paris
I want to serve a mission
I want to join the peace corps
I want to see new lights





Maybe my mind has an autoLIEogrophy on loop that I made for myself--a perfect life, created and written for myself. Maybe sometimes it is better than real life. Maybe revenge is a dish best served cold and is always in stock in my mind. Maybe I have the balls to tell people what I really think. maybe I want to hurt the people that have hurt me. Maybe I back down to easily from a fight. Maybe.
BUT, I do know how to dream and how to trust and that revenge may be best when served cold, but that cold dishs aren't too heart warming and that fighting fire with fire only leads to out of control passion.

A past version of myself would probably tell you differently, but in all honesty the worst thing that happened to me summer 08 was that I found out the Jonas Brothers covered "year 3000", and the worst thing that happened to me winter 2010 was that I didn't get to take a snowboarding class. I'm greatful for heartache and failed crushes and for the things they have taught me and the lifes they have saved me from.
A new spin on things is always a fresh and welcome change and winter 2011 is a new oportunity.



(p.s. this is what is going on in my mind 24/7... no wonder I have so much trouble sleeping and paying attention sometimes...)

twenty.1

7 or 8 months behind all my friends--like always--I am finally 21 (and not looking forward to my new license with a new and heinous picture)...
I haven't gone to bed yet so I haven't gotten to wake up on my birthday morning yet, but I am predicting I won't feel any different when I do. My mom did clean off Christine's bed though so I can wake up on my birthday in a bed instead of on a couch.

I also get to eat sweets and bake cupcakes all day long with my mama and Mandie. AND I get to go visit a lady in our wards chickens and maybe even get a shiny new purple phone. (There were no pink ones).

There's really nothing I want for my birthday and my parents have helped me out so much with school and my eurotrip this past year I don't really need anything else.

We are however going to the cities tomorrow to eat some fancy food and see wicked.

Cupcakes.
Mexican food.
Wicked.

what more do I need on my birffday?

new.

For everyone that remembers me like this:



















I have made some changes...





















however, thizz is still what it izzz

I just set them up to knock them down

A lot of new things are going to happen this week:
-i am going to be blond
-i am going to be 21
-i am going on my first cross country road trip without parents

It's kind of wild that I am almost 21, I am super excited for my birthday even though it's not going to be very wild--as far as 21st b-days go.....
Since starting my diet I have decided that I will eat treats only on the first of each month--that way I can celebrate my birthday, Canada day, new years and all the other major events the year brings. This being said my birthday is cupcake day!!! I also get to go see wicked in the cities with my parents and get a new license. ballin'

peace out twenty, we had some good times. You took me to Europe and helped me through some lows. You also let me realize there were a few times I smoked the whole rock: never again.

ATL and N.C

Today I had to get up so early it wasn't even bright out yet;  I'm talkin' like three a.m.  We're going to ATL today to go to the AQUARIUM and then driving up to North Carolina tomorrow!  I am so excited, I love the south. I don't know what treasures Tutu had in store for us this time, but I can promise you then will entail driving through the mountains of North Carolina, pointing out ever Christmas tree farm we see and visiting every relative within a 50 mile radius.  We'll probably also see some cows, baby goats, peacocks, and BULLDOG PUPPIES!!!!!

Part Two: Fat roll

While I was in europe I gained about 10 pounds due to french pastries, italian pasta, and everything in between. I can also tell aldifference in my body since I've started eating white meat again. Although my mom told me "at least it's a European fat roll!" the truth is I just want to look like a Pussy Cat Doll.

I have started the slim fast diet since being home and have seen some results, but now I am taking the next step. I'm down about 7 pounds on a good day.

Tomorrow me and my MN bestie, Mandie, are starting p90x (round one for me; two for her) and after watching results vids on youtube for like an hour I am super amped! I am also tracking my progress on a sub-blog!

My life on the D list

After watching Kathy Lee Griffith judge toddler pageants the other day I had the latest episode is a series of epiphanies I have been having lately. They started in France under the Eiffel tower, got really intense in Italy and continued through Austria, and into Spain. From there, they followed me all the way back to America and now to Minnesota. They consisted of realizations about how greatly expansive the human capacity to create and learn and help is and also provided me with a tidbit of what there really is out there for me. It's a terrible tragedy to realize you are nearly 21 years old and living an extremely blessed life that a lot of people around the world would die to live in, and I merely deign to exist in.

I'm sick of letting my anxiety build a colorless life around me that I am forced to live in. It might be true that people will always be as stupid as they were in High School, but that doesn't mean I have to be one of them. It's time to shake my demons for good and reinvent myself and let it be. The past, like all things that are not with us anymore, should remain buried--in the past. Learn from it, yes, and cherish the good times like precious treasures, but don't dwell on it or let it be your glory days. This is my path to self-reincarnation and rebirth and the first step commences in about half an hour.

I have three physical goals and three spiritual/personality goals that I have set for myself to pave the way to who I think I need to be and who I want to be (concluding as well as I can that this too is who God wants and needs me to be.)

I'm sick of putting myself on the D-list in my own life, so I'm about to take action and get on my own A-List. I might not get on other peoples, but after all it's one mountain at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day, but I can tell you first hand the end result is totally worth it--even the skeletal ruins of what it once was are worth the extra effort.

UPDATE (2:46 P.M.):
Phase one of Part one:

THIS:














to THIS:

Be Your Own Hero.

This past year has been a bit of a whirl wind, but it's brought me some of the greatest insights I have ever had. It brought me to my knees, my sences, tears, Europe, MN, and just about everywhere else inbetween.

I'm almost 21 and about ready to go back out to school for one more semester, one more fall, one more batch of roommates, one more credit load, one more set of roommates, one more chance to grow.

It's really kind of amazing where life takes you when you stop trying to resist.

MN

I'm home! For just about a month, but still it's a break and I am home.
I've got no bed, but sleeping on the couch means I finally get a TV in my room.

$#!%&*

I really like school and really do like learning a lot lot lot.  I actually do like reading my text books when I actually get around to it and I like making flash cards and studying.  I like writing and I like going home after a long day in the library.  I forget I enjoy these things at times and most of the time other things are more instantly entertaining (animal planet, hannah montana, playing with friends, and driving on the back roads to see the stars).   As much as I like School,sometimes I'm not very good at it.   I know that I'm smart because both of my parents are and I inherited it from them.  I understand things and I have common sense, but sometimes I fell like that's about it... I have no application skills and can't prioritize to save my life.  I have to read really slowly or I can't understand what I am reading; it's impossible for me to understand historic or political things... of any nature.  I try hard but I always feel like i come up short--throw my anxiety spells into the mix and some super-lame "friends" and it's about as low as I have ever been.  (Screw you guys.)

The crazy thing is that I am not in a low cycle right now at all, in fact I'm about as happy as I have ever been, I just wish people would stop telling me dating is more important than missions or that I need to date and that girls who go on mission don't try hard enough at dating and go on a mission as a cop out.  Marriage IS important, I know that but what if i am not suppose to get married yet?  People can serve lots of different kinds of missions, well, what if I am supose to go on one through the church.  If there are as many kinds of missions as there are hearts out there, then why not as many timeframes and situations in which to get married.  Just because I want to go on a mission and join the peace corps before i get married DOESNT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!  What if i want to do this so i can be a better mother to my kids?  What if President Hinckley SAID the lord needs his young women to serve mission now more than ever and that is why the numbers are going up so fast.  Gets your facts straight first and don't you ever try and tell me how to live my life.  What if this IS right for me?  Lay off me; I'm fragile damn it!  (Maybe none of that is even really what they say, but that's what i hear.)  

I try dating and having good friendships with boys but it never works out for me and I get intimidated easily by certain people who i won't name here because i don't believe in public call outs.  But good riddance at the same time.  I just stress out and hate myself when I get into things like that.  Who wants to do that?  Hell no.  Not me.  I finally like the girl in the mirror and don't want to go back to a time when I don't so I'm not even trying to let some boy take me there.  Not havin' it.

I try hard to keep up with the friends I do actually like and the ones that do help me feel good about myself and help me grow and see my potential, but it's hard when some of them don't do much in reciprocating.  Why can't they ever come see me?  The only way I EVER get to see half my friends is if I go to them.  Sure I have a car and they don't but half the time I walk there anyways.  It's not a bad things to walk!

I do have a couple really solid friends who come visit me and call me and it goes both ways, for them I am truly grateful. 

And honestly, yes, I could be better about asking people if they will play with me.  I am trying to reach outside my comfort zone and grow but I can't fix everything at once.

On top of all of this spinning a millions miles an hour in my head, I'm trying to do what i can to  prepare for a mission, get through the book of mormon for the first time (I'm so lame) and not fail my lit final tomorrow.

Maybe doing this entry isn't the best use of time right now but I am too tired from trying to stay up all night last night to study and too stressed out from all of the above to be able to understand what I am reading anymore.   The short version:  I don't like block classes.  I don't think I would even like to read (or be able to read) Anna Karenina (which is a good 800 pages), Wuthering Heaights (about 300), Much ado About Noting, The importance of being earnest, Tristan and Iseult, and the songs of soloman in a regualr semester let alone 5 weeks and some odd days.  I can't remember who says what quotes in book so I never do good in the tests (even when i try and be responsible and and skip my favorite band's FREE show in SLC to study and read).

I'm totally just having a pity party but I'm so over school right now.  7 months straight is not much fun at all.

DONT EVER DO FAST TRACK BYUI BUDDIES!!!

I am so grateful for Europe and still think about it every day.  I love my parents for letting me go entirely for fun.  Europe=dream. 

I wish i could live in Europe and forget about school for a while.  It's hard growing up and trying to be responsible.  I haven't even REALLY mentioned my experiences trying to date yet and seeing all of your friends get engaged while you don't even ever get asked out (and having people make me feel BAD about it--like morally on top of feeling bad worthless.).  BYU kind of sucks and makes you go a little crazy at times, but I know i needed to go here out of high school to get my head on straight. I guess what I am thinking lately is maybe I am done here now and ready for something a little different.

I'm not the best at telling people what I really think if I think it might upset them or if i feel like they won't even listen which is a lot of the time now that I try and be more honest with people and myself..

I'm sick of people who gossip because it makes it really hard for me to stick to my ever lasting goal to stop.  I'm sick of people who smile like we're friends then sabotage my life.  I'm sick of people who only complain.  BE HAPPY!  Seriously, look around you.  Idaho is beautiful, you are healthy, you aren't diseased or bed ridden.  You are a child of GOD and he makes it rain blessing on you every day so be grateful.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  The race is long and hard, but in the end it is only with yourself so set a slower pace and enjoy life a little more.

Basically this whole entry is to say: Mom and Dad, I am sorry my lit grade will probably be a C.  I tried hard, true I could have done better most likely, but I really did try hard and since Narnia still refuses to exist I don't have heaps of extra time on my hands.  I tried your new study techniques mom, but I literally ran out of time this weekend between homework, packing, cleaning, and helping Beki make a welcome home poster for Dallin.  Maybe charity is developing in me too fast, but more likely I like to find positive alternatives to hours and hours  of homework and studying.  I try to do what you guys taught me and always put others first and help out where I can while will being responsible about school work and stay out of trouble.... but it's not always easy.  Thanks for all you do for me Mom and Dad and for all you help me with, even if time after time I come up short.  I know my worth isn't determined my the ticket stubs in my wallet or the cd's in my car or even the marks on my report card and I am grateful you two are so patient with me when I don't do as well as you would like me to.  We already talked about this all Mom, and I just miss home i guess.  I miss you and Dad and I just wanna be the H out of here for a few weeks.  

Love,

Katie

p.s. don't forget to being stinky to the airport.

An unwritten life

I feel so much of the time like life is just going through the motions and falling into patterns; I'm not exactly crazy about it either...

I've tried to take the reigns so many times and have gotten a lot better since Europe, but I still fall short. a lot.

I want to live the life i was put here for and not the life others put me up to or expect from me.

This summer I am going to get running shoes for my birffday so i can start running. I am also going to do b work out everyday, and stop eating junk food for real this time.... I always try adn make it a few weeks then feel weird around others when they all eat it and offer it to me. But in all reality... who cares. it's my body and my life and i want to be fit.
The next time i eat junk food it will be cake on my birffday!

new obsession

Love this boy.

fresh ink.

I would never actually do it, but lately I have been wanting a new tattoo really badly.  I want an outline of MN and a swallow and lyrics.  If i wasn't Mormon I am positive I would have at least those and probably more, along with a nose rind and monroe.

I can't sleep

So I'm listening to old devotionals on the BYU Idaho website. I love devotional. After this one I am going to eat some pop tarts, read 5 ore chapters in Anna Karenina, and clean my room a little bit. Then I will get ready for school and read the rest of Anna Karenina part five so I am Prepared for class tomorrow.

Dallin gets home in just over 2 weeks! I am very excited to see him again.

I have never been in the in crowd, but at least I figure this:  

the out crowd is a lot bigger than the in crowd so at least I will never be alone.

Screw you guys, I hate high school!

I originally started this post as a tribute to my high school bffl (GMP) but then I realized I don't really care about her or what she did to me anymore--now I care about trying to be a better version of myself and working hard to learn from every experience.

I guess now I will just say I love this song and the video and think Tyson Ritter is a dream boat.

Responce.

You said the world’s got you dizzy again
and maybe we’ll never get use to the spin,
but we all know how to do what we should
and just staying idle wont do any good.

Maybe we’ll never get use to the spin,
and only get older with each passing turn,
But just staying idle won’t do any good,
So go and let fires of passion all burn.

We only get older each time the earth spins,
And fall into patterns and habits and trends.
But if we let fires and passions all burn,
Then maybe we’ll come out all right in the end.

We fall into patterns and habits and trends
and we all know how to do what we should,
so maybe we’ll all come out okay in the end
even if the earth gets us dizzy again.