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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

With a little bit of gold and a pager.

It's not that the air is different over there.  The clouds aren't made from different molecules and the grass is essentially the same color green.
There is something very different about places other that home, but it's not physical.  
It's emotional.  
It's spiritual.  

I tend to think too much, and often too fast as well.  I just do; I always have.  Sometimes it's very unhealthy and I get caught in spirals that go downward very fast.  Sometimes it's just funny things I remember from my past, or interesting things I want to do in my future.  Sometimes I make lists in my head--things like "People I am Glad Are Not my Mother" or "Things I Will do When I Get to Heaven and Have Eternity".  These lists are fun to make but rarely consist of bullet points with greater importance than "that lady who is screaming at the waiter right now for bringing her the wrong kind of water" or "learning to sing like a broadway star".
Lately something has happened to me...inside, and the best part is I did it to myself--with the help of my Heavenly father of course.  I think my alarm has gone off, and I finally didn't hit snooze.  I can see the beauty in a grey sky now, and the way they hold a rainbow so perfectly between the white clouds.  I can find patience to deal with people I would usually just add to certain lists in my head.  I can love myself for who I am because I know heavenly father made me this way for a reason.  I can let go of the people who hurt me and realize at least I got to grow because of it.  I can close my eyes and dream about Paris and Italy and then open them and the magic isn't gone because it's not a dream but a memory.  It's something real.  Something I did.  Good noises I put on the wind.  I can look in a mirror and smile because I finally love the girl looking back.  She's happy, and not because her inbox is full or because she has a boy with hands to hold.  She's happy because she is almost 21 years old and can go on a mission soon.  She's happy because she knows no matter what the world thinks, the value of a master piece is determined because of the artist.  She's happy because Katie and Katherine both finally feel like home.  She's happy because she learned how to keep moving forward while still looking backwards at the places she's been.  She's happy because her scrapbook and plans for the future are starting to merge.  

Most of all she's happy because it's not worth being sad anymore.  Sad people miss out on life.