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Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I really like school and really do like learning a lot lot lot.  I actually do like reading my text books when I actually get around to it and I like making flash cards and studying.  I like writing and I like going home after a long day in the library.  I forget I enjoy these things at times and most of the time other things are more instantly entertaining (animal planet, hannah montana, playing with friends, and driving on the back roads to see the stars).   As much as I like School,sometimes I'm not very good at it.   I know that I'm smart because both of my parents are and I inherited it from them.  I understand things and I have common sense, but sometimes I fell like that's about it... I have no application skills and can't prioritize to save my life.  I have to read really slowly or I can't understand what I am reading; it's impossible for me to understand historic or political things... of any nature.  I try hard but I always feel like i come up short--throw my anxiety spells into the mix and some super-lame "friends" and it's about as low as I have ever been.  (Screw you guys.)

The crazy thing is that I am not in a low cycle right now at all, in fact I'm about as happy as I have ever been, I just wish people would stop telling me dating is more important than missions or that I need to date and that girls who go on mission don't try hard enough at dating and go on a mission as a cop out.  Marriage IS important, I know that but what if i am not suppose to get married yet?  People can serve lots of different kinds of missions, well, what if I am supose to go on one through the church.  If there are as many kinds of missions as there are hearts out there, then why not as many timeframes and situations in which to get married.  Just because I want to go on a mission and join the peace corps before i get married DOESNT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!  What if i want to do this so i can be a better mother to my kids?  What if President Hinckley SAID the lord needs his young women to serve mission now more than ever and that is why the numbers are going up so fast.  Gets your facts straight first and don't you ever try and tell me how to live my life.  What if this IS right for me?  Lay off me; I'm fragile damn it!  (Maybe none of that is even really what they say, but that's what i hear.)  
I try dating and having good friendships with boys but it never works out for me and I get intimidated easily by certain people who i won't name here because i don't believe in public call outs.  But good riddance at the same time.  I just stress out and hate myself when I get into things like that.  Who wants to do that?  Hell no.  Not me.  I finally like the girl in the mirror and don't want to go back to a time when I don't so I'm not even trying to let some boy take me there.  Not havin' it.
I try hard to keep up with the friends I do actually like and the ones that do help me feel good about myself and help me grow and see my potential, but it's hard when some of them don't do much in reciprocating.  Why can't they ever come see me?  The only way I EVER get to see half my friends is if I go to them.  Sure I have a car and they don't but half the time I walk there anyways.  It's not a bad things to walk!
I do have a couple really solid friends who come visit me and call me and it goes both ways, for them I am truly grateful. 

And honestly, yes, I could be better about asking people if they will play with me.  I am trying to reach outside my comfort zone and grow but I can't fix everything at once.

On top of all of this spinning a millions miles an hour in my head, I'm trying to do what i can to  prepare for a mission, get through the book of mormon for the first time (I'm so lame) and not fail my lit final tomorrow.

Maybe doing this entry isn't the best use of time right now but I am too tired from trying to stay up all night last night to study and too stressed out from all of the above to be able to understand what I am reading anymore.   The short version:  I don't like block classes.  I don't think I would even like to read (or be able to read) Anna Karenina (which is a good 800 pages), Wuthering Heaights (about 300), Much ado About Noting, The importance of being earnest, Tristan and Iseult, and the songs of soloman in a regualr semester let alone 5 weeks and some odd days.  I can't remember who says what quotes in book so I never do good in the tests (even when i try and be responsible and and skip my favorite band's FREE show in SLC to study and read).

I'm totally just having a pity party but I'm so over school right now.  7 months straight is not much fun at all.

I am so grateful for Europe and still think about it every day.  I love my parents for letting me go entirely for fun.  Europe=dream. 

I wish i could live in Europe and forget about school for a while.  It's hard growing up and trying to be responsible.  I haven't even REALLY mentioned my experiences trying to date yet and seeing all of your friends get engaged while you don't even ever get asked out (and having people make me feel BAD about it--like morally on top of feeling bad worthless.).  BYU kind of sucks and makes you go a little crazy at times, but I know i needed to go here out of high school to get my head on straight. I guess what I am thinking lately is maybe I am done here now and ready for something a little different.

I'm not the best at telling people what I really think if I think it might upset them or if i feel like they won't even listen which is a lot of the time now that I try and be more honest with people and myself..

I'm sick of people who gossip because it makes it really hard for me to stick to my ever lasting goal to stop.  I'm sick of people who smile like we're friends then sabotage my life.  I'm sick of people who only complain.  BE HAPPY!  Seriously, look around you.  Idaho is beautiful, you are healthy, you aren't diseased or bed ridden.  You are a child of GOD and he makes it rain blessing on you every day so be grateful.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  The race is long and hard, but in the end it is only with yourself so set a slower pace and enjoy life a little more.

Basically this whole entry is to say: Mom and Dad, I am sorry my lit grade will probably be a C.  I tried hard, true I could have done better most likely, but I really did try hard and since Narnia still refuses to exist I don't have heaps of extra time on my hands.  I tried your new study techniques mom, but I literally ran out of time this weekend between homework, packing, cleaning, and helping Beki make a welcome home poster for Dallin.  Maybe charity is developing in me too fast, but more likely I like to find positive alternatives to hours and hours  of homework and studying.  I try to do what you guys taught me and always put others first and help out where I can while will being responsible about school work and stay out of trouble.... but it's not always easy.  Thanks for all you do for me Mom and Dad and for all you help me with, even if time after time I come up short.  I know my worth isn't determined my the ticket stubs in my wallet or the cd's in my car or even the marks on my report card and I am grateful you two are so patient with me when I don't do as well as you would like me to.  We already talked about this all Mom, and I just miss home i guess.  I miss you and Dad and I just wanna be the H out of here for a few weeks.  


p.s. don't forget to being stinky to the airport.