***As a disclaimer I would just like to say that I think I have finally found myself and I appreciate and love all the people who have been aids on the journey, but this is more personal. This is what kept me moving. From one person to the next, this filled the empty spaces and the dark corners between.***
Infinite: (adj.) Without End.
In the modern world, few things are infinite. Even fewer people understand the majesty of the things that are. In my world the things that are infinite are the things that have pulled me through, and brought me home each time I fell away.
For these reasons--and many other I could not explain--these are the songs that are infinite to me. They made me who I am and taught me to think and see the world in a new light.
The Remedy, Jason Mraz.
When I was 14 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, a side effect from Neuro Fibromatosis, 2 days before Christmas. I cried. My mom cried. My dad held us together, gave me a blessing, and keep us going. On January 8th I was a wreak. With my surgery early the next morning, I found myself wide awake and terrified. I went into my parents room and my father kindly let me have his side of the bed for the night. My mom gave me the gippy and I flipped on the TV. There have been few times when the things happening to me fell into place in such a way that the only way it could be described is cosmic alignment, but this is one. As Abby purred, cuddles up against my stomach, I watch as the white flash from activating the television quickly disolved into the Music Video for The Remedy. Time held still, I held my breath, and for those few moments the only things that existed in the galaxy were me, the TV, and my cat.
From A Balance Beam, Bright Eyes.
It was in a foreign hotel's bathtub I baptized myself in change.
and one by one i drowned all of the people I had been,
and i emerged to find the parrallels were fewer--I was cleansed.
I looked in the mirror
but someone new was there.
Still, I was as helpless as a chess piece when I was lifted up by someone's hand,
and delivered from the corner my enemies had got me in.
But in all of my salvation I still felt imprisoned inside that holding cell, that is myself.
I was born inro the church, baptized at age 8, and that was that. My true conversion came much later, in my late teen years. As a pawn in god's plan, I was finally lifted up by his hand and delivered from the life I had gotten myself into because of the friends I had chosen in high school--now, for lack of a better term, my enemies.
I know I have come a long way, but part of me still feels prisoner to the habits I learned and the life i lived.
El Scorcho, Weezer.
Rivers Cuomo is one of the many people I hold as a hero. I can't pinpoint exactly when I got into weezer, but I know it fell somewhere between Heath-break and betrayal. I can remember the first time i heard el scorcho. I was on my bed with audrey and I though it was the weirdest song I had ever heard; however, it's catchiness landed it in my head, and soon after my heart. If Rivers can get through the cards he was dealt and still be that optimistic, I know that I can. In retrospect, my life has been a cakewalk. The biggest trial I have had to overcome is wheater or not to straighten my hair for church this week.
Jaded, Mest.
I'll never regret these years...
I've done my fair share of wreak-less, selfish, stupid, impulsive things; with each a lesson has been well taught. Even though I have been scared--figuratively and literally--bruised, and battered I wouldnt go back and do anything in my life up to this point differently. I'm sorry to those I've hurt anf for the stress I have caused my mother. But as far as my own pride and well being goes, I am not sorry.
Screamer, Good Charlotte.
'nuff said.
The World at Large, Modest Mouse.
Life is like a horse. It's going along fine, collected even, and then something comes up that shouldn't even matter and all of the sudden you are no longer riding a nice pleasure pony, but a bucking bronco, and more often than not you find yourself i the dirt.
When all hell breaks loose, which happens about once a semester, I just need to think. Think about who I am, what I want, and who will help bring me there. When everything in life seems so unstable I like to have one thing constant until I can sort out the rest. People are usually a good thing to depend on, but sometimes they change, flake out, or can't help. I love people, but in these times I turn to music.
I laid on the floor listening to The world at large on repeat for two hours once (and i still don't know all the words).
I got back up, brushed of the dirt, and got back on the horse.
The things that are infinite to me, are the things that always will be: music that says what I can't, characters in books who love and care and help even when they don't need to, families who stick it out and get through the rough times, animals that love you no matter what, movies that make you want to change to world, and the God who made this all possible.
peace.
