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Friday, December 31, 2010


is over.

Time goes so fast when you get older, especially when you are moving half way across the country three times a year.  This year has taken me all over the globe, brought me back to some basics and helped me make some changes I needed to.

2010 way good--really good.  It's made me super excited to see what 2011 has to offer.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Poetry Experiment

When I was in 10th grade I had this teacher--the kind you only get once in a lifetime.  The kind like Robin Williams in Dead Poet Society.
He was so rad, and he really taught me how to love literature.
He taught us that when we create things it is often an abundance of ideas rather than a lack of them that hinders our creativity.
He handed out novels and had us open to a random page.  From the words on those two facing pages we had to write a poem.
This was mine:

What I liked about you, 

for one thing was hard to picture.
It wasnt just one thing,
it was everything,
everything i could tell about you in an hour.
I know where you hung out mostly

I wanted to find you,
walking along

but the sun still wasn’t out

and it wasn’t too nice for walking.
I knew it wasn’t too important,

but it made me sad anyways.

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Ritual To Read To Each Other

If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider
--lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--should be clear:
the darkness around us is deep.

William Stafford

Friday, December 10, 2010


"Believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to do great and good things. Believe that no mountain is so high that you cannot climb it. Believe that no storm is so great that you cannot weather it. You are not destined to be a scrub. You are a child of God, of infinite capacity. Believe that you can do it."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


One of my favorite things is when I finally figure something out in my mind, and get it pinned down where I think it should be, and then something happens to let me know it's in the right place and I am okay and everything is going to be all right.

December 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits."– Thomas A. Edison

This semester has been everything but what I expected. It's been a good one though and I've been streeeeeeetttttcccchhhheeeeeeeed--which mean I have grown.

Thank you Lord, for all that you give me. And for letting it happen in your timing. And for preparing me in the past for now. And for not giving me what I thought I needed.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Defying Gravity.

I have started, stoped, edited, changed, deleted, and restarted this entry several times over the course of this semester. The closer it gets to the end of the semester, the more I feel like I need to write something to try and capture part of this before it is gone. It also gets a lot harder to put that something into words--nothing I write ever seems quite accurate enough to capture what exactly I am feeling right now. No combination of words ever seem to be able to explain all the things this semester has taught me. A list of all the things I have experienced could never include all of the things I am grateful for.
This semester was pretty much the exact opposite of what I was expecting it to be and all of it only strengthened my belief that an unwritten life it the best kind.
With Thanksgiving under my belt, Christmas just around the corner, and the weight of the last week of school right on top of me I find myself thinking...a lot--but come on, what's new? It's not that the fact that I am thinking is so out of the ordinary, but the way I am thinking is what surprises me. Instead of trying to take the parts of my life I think I need, and doing all I can to make it work with what I have, I've discovered it's a lot easier if you just let life happen around you and let things fall into place where they really should be. If i can just take care of the big things: school, church, homework, calling, scripture study... the rest will fall into place.

John Keats

When I have Fears that I may cease to be

WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face, 5
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more, 10
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

daily thought

"No one can really pull you up very high — you lose your grip on the rope. But on your own two feet you can climb mountains."
– Louis Brandeis

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

tender mercies

[excerpt from an e-mail from MEDIA LAW teacher]

Hi all.

Sorry I'm not feeling well today. Hence, no class--I'm sure you're disappointed. :)

I am truly sorry she is sick, but I can not tell a lie:
I am so happy class is canceled.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

it's time for hats, jackets, and scarfs;

it's always time for necklaces and good hair.

Monday, October 25, 2010


You'll wait a long, long time for anything much
To happen in heaven beyond the floats of cloud
And the Northern Lights that run like tingling nerves.
The sun and moon get crossed, but they never touch,
Nor strike out fire from each other nor crash out loud.
The planets seem to interfere in their curves
But nothing ever happens, no harm is done.
We may as well go patiently on with our life,
And look elsewhere than to stars and moon and sun
For the shocks and changes we need to keep us sane.
It is true the longest drouth will end in rain,
The longest peace in China will end in strife.
Still it wouldn't reward the watcher to stay awake
In hopes of seeing the calm of heaven break
On his particular time and personal sight.
That calm seems certainly safe to last to-night.

In my American Lit. class we are back into poetry and this week we have been studying Robert Frost.

to do list

A. Learn to deal with stress from where it is coming, not by displacing it to other areas of my life
B. Clean room
C. Buy more food

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Not that it's bad,

but I am too happy to sleep tonight.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Kurt Vonnegut

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tender Mercies

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

This isn't High School

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Alexander Pope. Essay on a Man


Awake, my St. John! leave all meaner things
To low ambition, and the pride of kings.
Let us (since life can little more supply
Than just to look about us and to die)
Expatiate free o'er all this scene of man;
A mighty maze! but not without a plan;
A wild, where weeds and flowers promiscuous shoot;
Or garden tempting with forbidden fruit.
Together let us beat this ample field,
Try what the open, what the covert yield;
The latent tracts, the giddy heights, explore
Of all who blindly creep, or sightless soar;
Eye Nature's walks, shoot Folly as it flies,
And catch the manners living as they rise;
Laugh where we must, be candid where we can;
But vindicate the ways of God to man.

I. Say first, of God above, or man below
What can we reason, but from what we know?
Of man, what see we but his station here,
From which to reason, or to which refer?
Through worlds unnumbered though the God be known,
'Tis ours to trace Him only in our own.
He, who through vast immensity can pierce,
See worlds on worlds compose one universe,
Observe how system into system runs,
What other planets circle other suns,
What varied being peoples every star,
May tell why Heaven has made us as we are.
But of this frame, the bearings, and the ties,
The strong connections, nice dependencies,
Gradations just, has thy pervading soul
Looked through? or can a part contain the whole?
Is the great chain, that draws all to agree,
And drawn supports, upheld by God, or thee?

II. Presumptuous man! the reason wouldst thou find,
Why formed so weak, so little, and so blind?
First, if thou canst, the harder reason guess,
Why formed no weaker, blinder, and no less;
Ask of thy mother earth, why oaks are made
Taller or stronger than the weeds they shade?
Or ask of yonder argent fields above,
Why Jove's satellites are less than Jove?
Of systems possible, if 'tis confest
That wisdom infinite must form the best,
Where all must full or not coherent be,
And all that rises, rise in due degree;
Then in the scale of reasoning life, 'tis plain,
There must be, somewhere, such a rank as man:
And all the question (wrangle e'er so long)
Is only this, if God has placed him wrong?
Respecting man, whatever wrong we call,
May, must be right, as relative to all.
In human works, though laboured on with pain,
A thousand movements scarce one purpose gain;
In God's one single can its end produce;
Yet serves to second too some other use.
So man, who here seems principal alone,
Perhaps acts second to some sphere unknown,
Touches some wheel, or verges to some goal;
'Tis but a part we see, and not a whole.
When the proud steed shall know why man restrains
His fiery course, or drives him o'er the plains:
When the dull ox, why now he breaks the clod,
Is now a victim, and now Egypt's god:
Then shall man's pride and dulness comprehend
His actions', passions', being's, use and end;
Why doing, suffering, checked, impelled; and why
This hour a slave, the next a deity.
Then say not man's imperfect, Heaven in fault;
Say rather man's as perfect as he ought:
His knowledge measured to his state and place;
His time a moment, and a point his space.
If to be perfect in a certain sphere,
What matter, soon or late, or here or there?
The blest to-day is as completely so,
As who began a thousand years ago.

III. Heaven from all creatures hides the book of Fate,
All but the page prescribed, their present state:
From brutes what men, from men what spirits know:
Or who could suffer being here below?
The lamb thy riot dooms to bleed to-day,
Had he thy reason, would he skip and play?
Pleased to the last, he crops the flowery food,
And licks the hand just raised to shed his blood.
Oh, blindness to the future! kindly given,
That each may fill the circle, marked by Heaven:
Who sees with equal eye, as God of all,
A hero perish, or a sparrow fall,
Atoms or systems into ruin hurled,
And now a bubble burst, and now a world.
Hope humbly, then; with trembling pinions soar;
Wait the great teacher Death; and God adore.
What future bliss, He gives not thee to know,
But gives that hope to be thy blessing now.
Hope springs eternal in the human breast:
Man never is, but always to be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
Lo, the poor Indian! whose untutored mind
Sees God in clouds, or hears Him in the wind;
His soul, proud science never taught to stray
Far as the solar walk, or milky way;
Yet simple Nature to his hope has given,
Behind the cloud-topped hill, an humbler heaven;
Some safer world in depth of woods embraced,
Some happier island in the watery waste,
Where slaves once more their native land behold,
No fiends torment, no Christians thirst for gold.
To be, contents his natural desire,
He asks no angel's wing, no seraph's fire;
But thinks, admitted to that equal sky,
His faithful dog shall bear him company.

IV. Go, wiser thou! and, in thy scale of sense,
Weigh thy opinion against providence;
Call imperfection what thou fanciest such,
Say, here He gives too little, there too much;
Destroy all creatures for thy sport or gust,
Yet cry, if man's unhappy, God's unjust;
If man alone engross not Heaven's high care,
Alone made perfect here, immortal there:
Snatch from His hand the balance and the rod,
Re-judge His justice, be the God of God.
In pride, in reasoning pride, our error lies;
All quit their sphere, and rush into the skies.
Pride still is aiming at the blest abodes,
Men would be angels, angels would be gods.
Aspiring to be gods, if angels fell,
Aspiring to be angels, men rebel:
And who but wishes to invert the laws
Of order, sins against the Eternal Cause.

V. Ask for what end the heavenly bodies shine,
Earth for whose use? Pride answers, "'Tis for mine:
For me kind Nature wakes her genial power,
Suckles each herb, and spreads out every flower;
Annual for me, the grape, the rose renew
The juice nectareous, and the balmy dew;
For me, the mine a thousand treasures brings;
For me, health gushes from a thousand springs;
Seas roll to waft me, suns to light me rise;
My footstool earth, my canopy the skies."
But errs not Nature from this gracious end,
From burning suns when livid deaths descend,
When earthquakes swallow, or when tempests sweep
Towns to one grave, whole nations to the deep?
"No, ('tis replied) the first Almighty Cause
Acts not by partial, but by general laws;
The exceptions few; some change since all began;
And what created perfect?" -- Why then man?
If the great end be human happiness,
Then Nature deviates; and can man do less?
As much that end a constant course requires
Of showers and sunshine, as of man's desires;
As much eternal springs and cloudless skies,
As men for ever temperate, calm, and wise.
If plagues or earthquakes break not Heaven's design,
Why then a Borgia, or a Catiline?
Who knows but He, whose hand the lightning forms,
Who heaves old ocean, and who wings the storms;
Pours fierce ambition in a Caesar's mind,
Or turns young Ammon loose to scourge mankind?
From pride, from pride, our very reasoning springs;
Account for moral, as for natural things:
Why charge we heaven in those, in these acquit?
In both, to reason right is to submit.
Better for us, perhaps, it might appear,
Were there all harmony, all virtue here;
That never air or ocean felt the wind;
That never passion discomposed the mind.
But all subsists by elemental strife;
And passions are the elements of life.
The general order, since the whole began,
Is kept in nature, and is kept in man.

VI. What would this man? Now upward will he soar,
And little less than angel, would be more;
Now looking downwards, just as grieved appears
To want the strength of bulls, the fur of bears
Made for his use all creatures if he call,
Say what their use, had he the powers of all?
Nature to these, without profusion, kind,
The proper organs, proper powers assigned;
Each seeming want compensated of course,
Here with degrees of swiftness, there of force;
All in exact proportion to the state;
Nothing to add, and nothing to abate.
Each beast, each insect, happy in its own:
Is Heaven unkind to man, and man alone?
Shall he alone, whom rational we call,
Be pleased with nothing, if not blessed with all?
The bliss of man (could pride that blessing find)
Is not to act or think beyond mankind;
No powers of body or of soul to share,
But what his nature and his state can bear.
Why has not man a microscopic eye?
For this plain reason, man is not a fly.
Say what the use, were finer optics given,
To inspect a mite, not comprehend the heaven?
Or touch, if tremblingly alive all o'er,
To smart and agonize at every pore?
Or quick effluvia darting through the brain,
Die of a rose in aromatic pain?
If Nature thundered in his opening ears,
And stunned him with the music of the spheres,
How would he wish that Heaven had left him still
The whispering zephyr, and the purling rill?
Who finds not Providence all good and wise,
Alike in what it gives, and what denies?

VII. Far as Creation's ample range extends,
The scale of sensual, mental powers ascends:
Mark how it mounts, to man's imperial race,
From the green myriads in the peopled grass:
What modes of sight betwixt each wide extreme,
The mole's dim curtain, and the lynx's beam:
Of smell, the headlong lioness between,
And hound sagacious on the tainted green:
Of hearing, from the life that fills the flood,
To that which warbles through the vernal wood:
The spider's touch, how exquisitely fine!
Feels at each thread, and lives along the line:
In the nice bee, what sense so subtly true
From poisonous herbs extracts the healing dew?
How instinct varies in the grovelling swine,
Compared, half-reasoning elephant, with thine!
'Twixt that, and reason, what a nice barrier,
For ever separate, yet for ever near!
Remembrance and reflection how allayed;
What thin partitions sense from thought divide:
And middle natures, how they long to join,
Yet never passed the insuperable line!
Without this just gradation, could they be
Subjected, these to those, or all to thee?
The powers of all subdued by thee alone,
Is not thy reason all these powers in one?

VIII. See, through this air, this ocean, and this earth,
All matter quick, and bursting into birth.
Above, how high, progressive life may go!
Around, how wide! how deep extend below?
Vast chain of being! which from God began,
Natures ethereal, human, angel, man,
Beast, bird, fish, insect, what no eye can see,
No glass can reach; from Infinite to thee,
From thee to nothing. On superior powers
Were we to press, inferior might on ours:
Or in the full creation leave a void,
Where, one step broken, the great scale's destroyed:
From Nature's chain whatever link you strike,
Tenth or ten thousandth, breaks the chain alike.
And, if each system in gradation roll
Alike essential to the amazing whole,
The least confusion but in one, not all
That system only, but the whole must fall.
Let earth unbalanced from her orbit fly,
Planets and suns run lawless through the sky;
Let ruling angels from their spheres be hurled,
Being on being wrecked, and world on world;
Heaven's whole foundations to their centre nod,
And nature tremble to the throne of God.
All this dread order break -- for whom? for thee?
Vile worm! -- Oh, madness! pride! impiety!

IX. What if the foot, ordained the dust to tread,
Or hand, to toil, aspired to be the head?
What if the head, the eye, or ear repined
To serve mere engines to the ruling mind?
Just as absurd for any part to claim
To be another, in this general frame:
Just as absurd, to mourn the tasks or pains,
The great directing Mind of All ordains.
All are but parts of one stupendous whole,
Whose body Nature is, and God the soul;
That, changed through all, and yet in all the same;
Great in the earth, as in the ethereal frame;
Warms in the sun, refreshes in the breeze,
Glows in the stars, and blossoms in the trees,
Lives through all life, extends through all extent,
Spreads undivided, operates unspent;
Breathes in our soul, informs our mortal part,
As full, as perfect, in a hair as heart:
As full, as perfect, in vile man that mourns,
As the rapt seraph that adores and burns:
To him no high, no low, no great, no small;
He fills, he bounds, connects, and equals all.

X. Cease, then, nor order imperfection name:
Our proper bliss depends on what we blame.
Know thy own point: this kind, this due degree
Of blindness, weakness, Heaven bestows on thee.
Submit. In this, or any other sphere,
Secure to be as blest as thou canst bear:
Safe in the hand of one disposing Power,
Or in the natal, or the mortal hour.
All nature is but art, unknown to thee;
All chance, direction, which thou canst not see;
All discord, harmony not understood;
All partial evil, universal good:
And, spite of pride in erring reason's spite,
One truth is clear, whatever is, is right.

Do one thing each day that scares you

It's worth it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm addicted to you,
don't you know that you're toxic?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It's worth it

to go to meetings on sunday after church--no matter how much homework you have or how badly you don't wanna go.

It's worth it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Dancing in Wonderland

Last night I went to the caves with my roommates for a dance party, it was one of the coolest things I have done so far in my college career. Possibly THE coolest (with the exception of ColorFest).

The cave had christmas lights all over and random lights on little rocks and cliffs so that the whole things looked like Wonderland.  I didn't get any pictures of the actual cave, so this pre-dance pic will have to suffice.

Once you got through the first few yards of the cave, you turned the corner and there was a sea of glow sticks and a mass of people--the whole scene looked like one of those fast time-lapses of the night sky you see on The Discovery Channel sometimes that shows the way the stars move across the night sky.

It made me realize tow things:
1. It's hard to dance while standing on mole-holes and straddling canyons on the ground on the cave.
2. I love to dance and miss summer oh eight when I failed a class and got the worst grades of my life because all I did was dance party.

Friday, October 8, 2010


This week has been exhausting in more than one way. Yeah, some of it was brought on myself, but I like hip-hop and I like remembering that I do have friends. Mostly It's just been a week of discovery and growth and long over due catch-up. I feel like my center of gravity is shifting, and my parts are being pulled into a new orbit. It's evolution and progression; it's exhausting and penetrating. I can't tell yet if it was collision or creation, but I can tell this new solar system includes a lot less black holes.

Sometimes I feel like my energy is being consumed from the inside out, like i am on fire--in my core. Maybe I have lava inside me too and my plates just need to shift a little more until the fault lines break and it can all be released.

I've studied science enough to understand that energy is never lost, only transferred and I've read enough mythology and Harry Potter to know that the Phoenix acts on an outward manifestation of an internal need to be cleansed.

Sometimes you'll get dropped, you just have to be ready to run like hell when you hit the ground.
I firmly believe that that that does not kill you, can only make you stronger.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010


today was a good day.

Friday, October 1, 2010

there's a rumor that a new version of sassykat might be getting back together...
the weight of 25 books in one semester is starting to hit me--good things all my friends are gone this weekend so i can read, conference, read, read, run, and read.


After realizing I can run 2.5 miles without stopping, I think I went a little too hard.


Thursday, September 30, 2010


Tomorrow is the 1st of october, so that means TREAT DAY!

This month we're having s'mores, roasted starburst, and E.L. Fudge cookies--the elf ones.
Today I invited Dallin to it, and he was outraged that I was just planning on making S'mores over the stove so he said we could come over to his house and have a bon fire and do it there so I am very excited becasue I love bon fires and treats.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dime Piece.

There are a lot more cute boys (skinny jeans, top-siders, cardigans...) around BYU-I this semester, and even though you can't really gauge people's personality, habits and hobbies by the way they dress anymore--I appreciate it.

Also, it's bad to judge people by their outward appearance (which I am guilty of) so this helps me a lot.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

and in that moment I swear we were infinite.

"and in that moment I swear we were infinite."
"and in that moment I swear we were infinite."
"now you have to say it tiff"
"and in that moment I swear we were infinite?".

I guess the inflection in her voice was understandable... It was the first time she had ever done it, and it is a little weird--but it always gets me grounded and lets me turn over a new page.
It was Mads first time too and we did it for her, but we all ended up feeling infinite after it: like all that mattered was us, the stars, and that moment which seemed to stretch on forever.

This week i have had a lot of time to think and put things into their proper places in my mind and in my life. Through a lot or prayer and lot of trial and error I have been able to get a daily routine down that lets me get all the important things done each day and lets the tedious, unnecessary things fall through the cracks--where they belong. I realized that It's probably a true statement to say "I don't really have any ex boyfriends" (unless you count ryan and I try not to...) but it is also a true statement to say "I do have a lot of old flames." And flames, like the forest fires they tend to grow into, destroy everything in their path and leave whatever subject they were unleashed on a wreck; however, they leave in their wake new ground, which is perfect for regrowth and new roots.

So this is how we got to be on the top of Maddie's car in the middle of Nowhere, Idaho, under the clear sky and the bright stars. Our backs were against the windshield and you could feel the music all the way to your heart as we sang along:
"I'm gonna stay eighteen forever
So we can stay like this forever
And we'll never miss a party
cause we keep them going constantly
And we'll never have to listen
to anyone about anything
cause it's all been done and it's all been said
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get"

and we really did feel like the coolest kids.

Better, Better, Better

I just wanna say:

"I am having a really good hair day."

Friday, September 24, 2010

Today was a good day.

I woke up at 5:30, got my homework done, cleaned the bathroom for clean checks, did my morning exercise tape and got showered and dresses--was feeling like a boss--when i got a text from my mama.

"you got a pkg from max."

When you do the big things, the little things fall into places, and when both are going well there's not much room for black holes or breakdowns.

It might seem like we get the heavier load having to be the one to move the big things along, but as a favorite band of mine once said: It always seems the little things that take the biggest part of me.

So personally I am happy those aren't the ones I am responsible for.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


you can get a LOT done in the morning if you get up at 5:30 a.m. every day.

-scripture study
-actually get ready for the day...

It's kind of great

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


rexburg is really pretty at 6 in the morning

Saturday, September 18, 2010


In my Literature of Love class last semester I had the opportunity to be taught by a man who spent a good portion of his life abroad and was deeply educated in the literature and theater of other cultures.   He spent a good time in Russia and Europe and in addition to teaching on campus, leads the British Literature tour each summer.  In class one day, we had a lecture on stock characters and common themes in writing.  We learned some new terms that I hadn't knows before, but that have kind of given me some new motivation and a new foundation on which to build a better self :

Alazon: In the theatre of ancient Greecealazôn (Ancient Greekἀλαζών) is one of three stock characters in comedy.[1] He is the opponent of the eirôn. The alazôn is an impostor that sees himself as greater than he actually is. The senex iratus (the heavy father) and the miles gloriosus (the boasting soldier) are two types of alazôn.[2]

Eiron: In the theatre of ancient Greece, the eirôn (Ancient Greekεἴρων) was one of three stock characters in comedy.[1] The eirôn usually succeeds in bringing his braggart opponent (the alazôn) down by making himself seem like less than he actually was.[2]

Basically we learned that the Alazon is someone who tends to promise more than they can deliver and falls short; the Eiron is someone who will go above and beyond what the audience assume they are capable of and do something great--an underdog basically.

I haven't always been the best at keeping my promises to people and following through with things I say I will do--I never intentionally lie, but I get busy and bogged down and stressed out and anxious and... well you get it.  It's kind of a wake up call when you realize you have character traits usually associated with a downfall.  I've heard it said that "we are all masterpieces that just need a little more time".  I believe it is true.  I also believe it is really amazing how much you can learn about yourself through other people's stories.

I'm sick of never following through with what I say I am going too, or getting too busy and forgetting about things.  I've tried to do lists, multiple planners, sticky notes, and writing on my hand.  They help, but my mouth still tends to get ahead of my accomplishments at times.  I already set my sights this semester on three E's (exercise, eternity, and education) but I am adding to my already ambitious list of semester goals and proposing this to myself:  Don't say something unless you think you can REALLY do it, and if you do say it... try to REALLY accomplish it. 

No more half assed lives.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Dear Friends,

This semester is already busier than any other so far--but I love it. I made a goal on my 21st birthday to let this semester be about Education, Eternity, and Exercise. It's all going really well and according to plan but it also means there are some sacrifices i am having to make: between doing p90x every day, reading 24 books this semester, getting up at 6 each morning to exercise, trying to make time to study the scriptures and meditate each day, and going to bed early it doesn't leave much time to play anymore. I'm happier than I've been in a while, but I'm so busy I don't have much time for peeps.

I miss you all dearly and hope to find time to see you--it's not looking too promising but I will do my best.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I miss you
I can't wait to see you again
... I have made some changes I think you will appreciate.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

creative writing final. summer2010

Now I know How to Save a Life
He was a mess, roasting in the hot summer sun—completely helpless and alone. He had come from the sky like a fallen angel and he lay there, on the hot sidewalk, waiting for death to take him. People had been passing him all day, people too busy with their mundane lives to pay him any more attention that “poor thing” or “how sad” before they went on their busy way. He had fallen from his home and was a stranger in a foreign land with no mother, no knowledge of this outside world, and no way of ever making it home on his own.
She was an animal lover by nature (maybe that’s why her mother didn’t try to reason with her or tell her ‘no’). She was on her way back to her mom’s dusty silver van, ready to leave her horse at the fair for the night. She was satisfied with the animal’s water level and comfort so with one last kiss to Cricket’s velvety nose she was down the aisle and out the door. She was I, and still is; maybe just a newer, better version thanks to him.
My fingers still tingled with the heat from the necks of the other horses I had patted on my way out of the barn and were covered in a thin layer of dirt and grime, It looked like I had just eaten a bag of grey and brown Cheetos. I passed the last row of stalls and walked through the door to the outside world. The plastic werewolf (dubbed “wolfman”) from a taco bell kids meal eaten over a year ago was still there. He was zip-tied to the antenna of my mom’s van—right where I had originally put him—a failed practical joke. As I got closer to the car he came into sharp focus: light brown with tattered black pants and no shirt—like the incredible hulk. That was when we met.
“Mom, there’s a baby bird!”
“A baby bird! It fell out of its nest… what do we do?”
My mom knew me well enough to understand that we did have to do something; I would never leave something like that entirely up to the fates to decide an outcome. Over the span of my relatively short live (12 or 13 years), our house has been a foster home to bunnies, birds, snakes, quail, ducks, butterflies, turtles, and anything else I could catch—and I was good at catching things. My mom knew if I found something I loved I was not eager to let it go. It’s strange to think I could love something after only having it a few moments, but I did. I loved Max, and I would only grow to love him even more. So, less than an hour later this stranger to our world had a home, a family, and a name.
Max, like any baby, needed constant care and attention. The Internet provided me with a list of ingredients needed to make food for a baby bird, and a digital alarm clock provided me with a regular feeding schedule for him. Not one to ever get up before the sun, I found myself up just hours after midnight to feed Max. “I guess there is logic behind the saying ‘up with the birds’ I thought to myself one morning as I cut the tip of a McDonalds straw by the dim glow of the refrigerator light to make a small straw for my new pet, it was still dark outside and all the earth was still quiet and still. As I walked back into my room, I heard that he was already awake. “Peep, peep, peep?” Max would ask, his bald head back, he looked just like the every baby bird I had ever seen on T.V. asking their moms for food. “PEEP! PEEP! He would continue once he was food was coming. That was the routine ever few hours for days on end: Max would cry and I would feed him.
His home, a spare storage bin with a missing top, had been fitted with a heat lamp, blanket, and a makeshift grass nest. His nest had to be changed daily, his home cleaned out every other. The cat had to be kept at a safe distance and my bedroom door had to be kept shut—at all times. Zuzu (the family dog) liked Max well enough to let him sit on her head, but not so much that she showed any real interest in him.
Max grew fast and came everywhere the family went. This included a weekend trip to the cabin that happened to coincide perfectly with the day Max learned to fly: It had been raining all day and no one wanted to go outside. We had already exhausted the movie collection we brought up with us and the storm was messing up the satellite so we couldn’t really watch T.V. either, some of the adults sat in the den reading, some took naps on the couches. The kids all gathered around the dinner table to play a card game by the poor light of the fan/light combo that hung above, extra chairs has been brought in off the screen porch to fit everyone. The fan blades cut slowly through the air sending down a gentle breeze that made stray hairs wave like broken spider webs. We were in the middle of our third round of Uno! When it happened. Before any of us could really register what exactly it was that had just happened, Max was perched on the painting on the wall and Tracey (a family friend) was in the typical duck and cover position—both arms over his head. I sat dumbstruck for a few seconds trying to figure out how Max could have possibly got there until it hit me. Max flew, he flew! “Max flew!” I cried out while trying to capture him—a more difficult task now that he had been liberated from gravities hold.
Between strings around yellow legs to keep Max from flying away, first baths in Frisbees and awkwardly trying to convince bugs to leap into his gaping mouth with a demanding peep (after all, that worked when he asked me for food, so why not them?) it was a weekend of growth and memories.
From that day, Max was growing and making changes daily. Within a few days of returning home from the cabin he could fly well enough that the spiteful housecat was getting to be a hazard. When Max went fully aerial, he was relocated to the backyard. The front door had to be carefully monitored for the sake of visitors unaccustomed to wild birds landing on their heads upon reaching the front steps. I was out the door before they were even out of their cars, gathering Max form various heads, shoulders, and backs. “Please don’t hurt him! He’s mine!” I would say. Mine, and he was, we had a special bond; he belonged to me and I belonged to him.
Max still had to be fed a few times a day, but now the routine was a little different: I would go out into the yard with his food and McDonald’s straw spoon and call for him, he would fly to me and I would feed him. When he was full he would fly off and perch in a nearby tree. Eventually Max came home fewer times a day; the day he stopped coming home altogether was a heavy one. I searched all the trees in the backyard as well as the neighbor’s yards. I called him, but he never came. “Max!” No answer, no peep, no sound of wings. I stayed outside for a long time looking at the sky, I wasn’t looking for him anymore, just at where he was. I understood that Max had flown home; he had risen out of the ashen state I found him in to new life.
I still think about Max when I see other starlings around town or even out here at school in Idaho. I wonder if he ever found a mate or had babies of his own. I wonder for their safety and hope that none of them ever fell out of the nest but mostly I wonder how the world is different because of him. I wonder what line of birds I saved and what lineage was continued because a little girl cared enough to bring home a baby bird instead of just saying “how sad” and walking past him like so many others. I know it probably won’t be the determining factor of anything major in my life and that in a grander spectrum it’s pretty insignificant, but I also know that I know how to save a life and I think that maybe that counts for something.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Thursday, September 2, 2010

thought process.

For my 21st birthday my parents took me to go see Wicked in Minneapolis. It is the second time I have seen it (the first being in LDN). I loved it all over again. Like the first time, I have had defying gravity in my head again and again and again
While wishs of being able to sing like that crowd nearly ever corner of my head there is a little left over room for one single line:
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I am flying free".

I am not immune to the appeal of the unobtainable, I do want what I can't have, but I am also infatuated with the ability to dream and live and feel like I have acomplished the impossible.
Considering some of the low points I put myself through this past year I have in some way defied my own gravity that I created for myself.

I use to think I was one of those kids who was lucky enough to always know exactly who they were, what they wanted, and where they were going. Mohawks, Pink hair and chains were an outward manefesto of everything I knew I was and knew I wanted to be.
Since my present state is lacking all of the above, some questions naturally developed on their own in responce: where did it go? No more pink hair? No more chains and lace and studs? If that is who I AM... what happened?

A few months ago I realized I knew who I had been (and even who I was) but I was not who I NEEDED to be.

I though that being older never felt any different...
I was wrong... I'm 21 and I do feel different.
I feel more alive.
I feel lighter (and not just becasue I am loosing weight).

Maybe I am defying gravity

I believe that inspiration is around us everywhere
I believe the best way to find yourself is to get lost
I believe time away from technology is necessary
I believe that dogs are man's best friend
I believe that we are capable of way more
I believe in music
I believe when you are close to god the rest falls into place

I want to go back to Rome
I want to to back to Paris
I want to serve a mission
I want to join the peace corps
I want to see new lights

Maybe my mind has an autoLIEogrophy on loop that I made for myself--a perfect life, created and written for myself. Maybe sometimes it is better than real life. Maybe revenge is a dish best served cold and is always in stock in my mind. Maybe I have the balls to tell people what I really think. maybe I want to hurt the people that have hurt me. Maybe I back down to easily from a fight. Maybe.
BUT, I do know how to dream and how to trust and that revenge may be best when served cold, but that cold dishs aren't too heart warming and that fighting fire with fire only leads to out of control passion.

A past version of myself would probably tell you differently, but in all honesty the worst thing that happened to me summer 08 was that I found out the Jonas Brothers covered "year 3000", and the worst thing that happened to me winter 2010 was that I didn't get to take a snowboarding class. I'm greatful for heartache and failed crushes and for the things they have taught me and the lifes they have saved me from.
A new spin on things is always a fresh and welcome change and winter 2011 is a new oportunity.

(p.s. this is what is going on in my mind 24/7... no wonder I have so much trouble sleeping and paying attention sometimes...)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


7 or 8 months behind all my friends--like always--I am finally 21 (and not looking forward to my new license with a new and heinous picture)...
I haven't gone to bed yet so I haven't gotten to wake up on my birthday morning yet, but I am predicting I won't feel any different when I do. My mom did clean off Christine's bed though so I can wake up on my birthday in a bed instead of on a couch.

I also get to eat sweets and bake cupcakes all day long with my mama and Mandie. AND I get to go visit a lady in our wards chickens and maybe even get a shiny new purple phone. (There were no pink ones).

There's really nothing I want for my birthday and my parents have helped me out so much with school and my eurotrip this past year I don't really need anything else.

We are however going to the cities tomorrow to eat some fancy food and see wicked.

Mexican food.

what more do I need on my birffday?

Monday, August 30, 2010


For everyone that remembers me like this:

I have made some changes...

however, thizz is still what it izzz

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I just set them up to knock them down

A lot of new things are going to happen this week:
-i am going to be blond
-i am going to be 21
-i am going on my first cross country road trip without parents

It's kind of wild that I am almost 21, I am super excited for my birthday even though it's not going to be very wild--as far as 21st b-days go.....
Since starting my diet I have decided that I will eat treats only on the first of each month--that way I can celebrate my birthday, Canada day, new years and all the other major events the year brings. This being said my birthday is cupcake day!!! I also get to go see wicked in the cities with my parents and get a new license. ballin'

peace out twenty, we had some good times. You took me to Europe and helped me through some lows. You also let me realize there were a few times I smoked the whole rock: never again.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

ATL and N.C

Today I had to get up so early it wasn't even bright out yet;  I'm talkin' like three a.m.  We're going to ATL today to go to the AQUARIUM and then driving up to North Carolina tomorrow!  I am so excited, I love the south. I don't know what treasures Tutu had in store for us this time, but I can promise you then will entail driving through the mountains of North Carolina, pointing out ever Christmas tree farm we see and visiting every relative within a 50 mile radius.  We'll probably also see some cows, baby goats, peacocks, and BULLDOG PUPPIES!!!!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Part Two: Fat roll

While I was in europe I gained about 10 pounds due to french pastries, italian pasta, and everything in between. I can also tell aldifference in my body since I've started eating white meat again. Although my mom told me "at least it's a European fat roll!" the truth is I just want to look like a Pussy Cat Doll.

I have started the slim fast diet since being home and have seen some results, but now I am taking the next step. I'm down about 7 pounds on a good day.

Tomorrow me and my MN bestie, Mandie, are starting p90x (round one for me; two for her) and after watching results vids on youtube for like an hour I am super amped! I am also tracking my progress on a sub-blog!

My life on the D list

After watching Kathy Lee Griffith judge toddler pageants the other day I had the latest episode is a series of epiphanies I have been having lately. They started in France under the Eiffel tower, got really intense in Italy and continued through Austria, and into Spain. From there, they followed me all the way back to America and now to Minnesota. They consisted of realizations about how greatly expansive the human capacity to create and learn and help is and also provided me with a tidbit of what there really is out there for me. It's a terrible tragedy to realize you are nearly 21 years old and living an extremely blessed life that a lot of people around the world would die to live in, and I merely deign to exist in.

I'm sick of letting my anxiety build a colorless life around me that I am forced to live in. It might be true that people will always be as stupid as they were in High School, but that doesn't mean I have to be one of them. It's time to shake my demons for good and reinvent myself and let it be. The past, like all things that are not with us anymore, should remain buried--in the past. Learn from it, yes, and cherish the good times like precious treasures, but don't dwell on it or let it be your glory days. This is my path to self-reincarnation and rebirth and the first step commences in about half an hour.

I have three physical goals and three spiritual/personality goals that I have set for myself to pave the way to who I think I need to be and who I want to be (concluding as well as I can that this too is who God wants and needs me to be.)

I'm sick of putting myself on the D-list in my own life, so I'm about to take action and get on my own A-List. I might not get on other peoples, but after all it's one mountain at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day, but I can tell you first hand the end result is totally worth it--even the skeletal ruins of what it once was are worth the extra effort.

UPDATE (2:46 P.M.):
Phase one of Part one:


to THIS:

Monday, August 9, 2010

Be Your Own Hero.

This past year has been a bit of a whirl wind, but it's brought me some of the greatest insights I have ever had. It brought me to my knees, my sences, tears, Europe, MN, and just about everywhere else inbetween.

I'm almost 21 and about ready to go back out to school for one more semester, one more fall, one more batch of roommates, one more credit load, one more set of roommates, one more chance to grow.

It's really kind of amazing where life takes you when you stop trying to resist.

Monday, August 2, 2010


I'm home! For just about a month, but still it's a break and I am home.
I've got no bed, but sleeping on the couch means I finally get a TV in my room.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I really like school and really do like learning a lot lot lot.  I actually do like reading my text books when I actually get around to it and I like making flash cards and studying.  I like writing and I like going home after a long day in the library.  I forget I enjoy these things at times and most of the time other things are more instantly entertaining (animal planet, hannah montana, playing with friends, and driving on the back roads to see the stars).   As much as I like School,sometimes I'm not very good at it.   I know that I'm smart because both of my parents are and I inherited it from them.  I understand things and I have common sense, but sometimes I fell like that's about it... I have no application skills and can't prioritize to save my life.  I have to read really slowly or I can't understand what I am reading; it's impossible for me to understand historic or political things... of any nature.  I try hard but I always feel like i come up short--throw my anxiety spells into the mix and some super-lame "friends" and it's about as low as I have ever been.  (Screw you guys.)

The crazy thing is that I am not in a low cycle right now at all, in fact I'm about as happy as I have ever been, I just wish people would stop telling me dating is more important than missions or that I need to date and that girls who go on mission don't try hard enough at dating and go on a mission as a cop out.  Marriage IS important, I know that but what if i am not suppose to get married yet?  People can serve lots of different kinds of missions, well, what if I am supose to go on one through the church.  If there are as many kinds of missions as there are hearts out there, then why not as many timeframes and situations in which to get married.  Just because I want to go on a mission and join the peace corps before i get married DOESNT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!  What if i want to do this so i can be a better mother to my kids?  What if President Hinckley SAID the lord needs his young women to serve mission now more than ever and that is why the numbers are going up so fast.  Gets your facts straight first and don't you ever try and tell me how to live my life.  What if this IS right for me?  Lay off me; I'm fragile damn it!  (Maybe none of that is even really what they say, but that's what i hear.)  
I try dating and having good friendships with boys but it never works out for me and I get intimidated easily by certain people who i won't name here because i don't believe in public call outs.  But good riddance at the same time.  I just stress out and hate myself when I get into things like that.  Who wants to do that?  Hell no.  Not me.  I finally like the girl in the mirror and don't want to go back to a time when I don't so I'm not even trying to let some boy take me there.  Not havin' it.
I try hard to keep up with the friends I do actually like and the ones that do help me feel good about myself and help me grow and see my potential, but it's hard when some of them don't do much in reciprocating.  Why can't they ever come see me?  The only way I EVER get to see half my friends is if I go to them.  Sure I have a car and they don't but half the time I walk there anyways.  It's not a bad things to walk!
I do have a couple really solid friends who come visit me and call me and it goes both ways, for them I am truly grateful. 

And honestly, yes, I could be better about asking people if they will play with me.  I am trying to reach outside my comfort zone and grow but I can't fix everything at once.

On top of all of this spinning a millions miles an hour in my head, I'm trying to do what i can to  prepare for a mission, get through the book of mormon for the first time (I'm so lame) and not fail my lit final tomorrow.

Maybe doing this entry isn't the best use of time right now but I am too tired from trying to stay up all night last night to study and too stressed out from all of the above to be able to understand what I am reading anymore.   The short version:  I don't like block classes.  I don't think I would even like to read (or be able to read) Anna Karenina (which is a good 800 pages), Wuthering Heaights (about 300), Much ado About Noting, The importance of being earnest, Tristan and Iseult, and the songs of soloman in a regualr semester let alone 5 weeks and some odd days.  I can't remember who says what quotes in book so I never do good in the tests (even when i try and be responsible and and skip my favorite band's FREE show in SLC to study and read).

I'm totally just having a pity party but I'm so over school right now.  7 months straight is not much fun at all.

I am so grateful for Europe and still think about it every day.  I love my parents for letting me go entirely for fun.  Europe=dream. 

I wish i could live in Europe and forget about school for a while.  It's hard growing up and trying to be responsible.  I haven't even REALLY mentioned my experiences trying to date yet and seeing all of your friends get engaged while you don't even ever get asked out (and having people make me feel BAD about it--like morally on top of feeling bad worthless.).  BYU kind of sucks and makes you go a little crazy at times, but I know i needed to go here out of high school to get my head on straight. I guess what I am thinking lately is maybe I am done here now and ready for something a little different.

I'm not the best at telling people what I really think if I think it might upset them or if i feel like they won't even listen which is a lot of the time now that I try and be more honest with people and myself..

I'm sick of people who gossip because it makes it really hard for me to stick to my ever lasting goal to stop.  I'm sick of people who smile like we're friends then sabotage my life.  I'm sick of people who only complain.  BE HAPPY!  Seriously, look around you.  Idaho is beautiful, you are healthy, you aren't diseased or bed ridden.  You are a child of GOD and he makes it rain blessing on you every day so be grateful.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  The race is long and hard, but in the end it is only with yourself so set a slower pace and enjoy life a little more.

Basically this whole entry is to say: Mom and Dad, I am sorry my lit grade will probably be a C.  I tried hard, true I could have done better most likely, but I really did try hard and since Narnia still refuses to exist I don't have heaps of extra time on my hands.  I tried your new study techniques mom, but I literally ran out of time this weekend between homework, packing, cleaning, and helping Beki make a welcome home poster for Dallin.  Maybe charity is developing in me too fast, but more likely I like to find positive alternatives to hours and hours  of homework and studying.  I try to do what you guys taught me and always put others first and help out where I can while will being responsible about school work and stay out of trouble.... but it's not always easy.  Thanks for all you do for me Mom and Dad and for all you help me with, even if time after time I come up short.  I know my worth isn't determined my the ticket stubs in my wallet or the cd's in my car or even the marks on my report card and I am grateful you two are so patient with me when I don't do as well as you would like me to.  We already talked about this all Mom, and I just miss home i guess.  I miss you and Dad and I just wanna be the H out of here for a few weeks.  


p.s. don't forget to being stinky to the airport.

Monday, July 19, 2010

An unwritten life

I feel so much of the time like life is just going through the motions and falling into patterns; I'm not exactly crazy about it either...

I've tried to take the reigns so many times and have gotten a lot better since Europe, but I still fall short. a lot.

I want to live the life i was put here for and not the life others put me up to or expect from me.

This summer I am going to get running shoes for my birffday so i can start running. I am also going to do b work out everyday, and stop eating junk food for real this time.... I always try adn make it a few weeks then feel weird around others when they all eat it and offer it to me. But in all reality... who cares. it's my body and my life and i want to be fit.
The next time i eat junk food it will be cake on my birffday!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Love this boy.

fresh ink.

I would never actually do it, but lately I have been wanting a new tattoo really badly.  I want an outline of MN and a swallow and lyrics.  If i wasn't Mormon I am positive I would have at least those and probably more, along with a nose rind and monroe.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I can't sleep

So I'm listening to old devotionals on the BYU Idaho website. I love devotional. After this one I am going to eat some pop tarts, read 5 ore chapters in Anna Karenina, and clean my room a little bit. Then I will get ready for school and read the rest of Anna Karenina part five so I am Prepared for class tomorrow.

Dallin gets home in just over 2 weeks! I am very excited to see him again.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I have never been in the in crowd, but at least I figure this:  
the out crowd is a lot bigger than the in crowd so at least I will never be alone.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Screw you guys, I hate high school!

I originally started this post as a tribute to my high school bffl (GMP) but then I realized I don't really care about her or what she did to me anymore--now I care about trying to be a better version of myself and working hard to learn from every experience.

I guess now I will just say I love this song and the video and think Tyson Ritter is a dream boat.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


You said the world’s got you dizzy again
and maybe we’ll never get use to the spin,
but we all know how to do what we should
and just staying idle wont do any good.

Maybe we’ll never get use to the spin,
and only get older with each passing turn,
But just staying idle won’t do any good,
So go and let fires of passion all burn.

We only get older each time the earth spins,
And fall into patterns and habits and trends.
But if we let fires and passions all burn,
Then maybe we’ll come out all right in the end.

We fall into patterns and habits and trends
and we all know how to do what we should,
so maybe we’ll all come out okay in the end
even if the earth gets us dizzy again.