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Thursday, September 2, 2010

thought process.

For my 21st birthday my parents took me to go see Wicked in Minneapolis. It is the second time I have seen it (the first being in LDN). I loved it all over again. Like the first time, I have had defying gravity in my head again and again and again
While wishs of being able to sing like that crowd nearly ever corner of my head there is a little left over room for one single line:
"And if I'm flying solo, at least I am flying free".

I am not immune to the appeal of the unobtainable, I do want what I can't have, but I am also infatuated with the ability to dream and live and feel like I have acomplished the impossible.
Considering some of the low points I put myself through this past year I have in some way defied my own gravity that I created for myself.

I use to think I was one of those kids who was lucky enough to always know exactly who they were, what they wanted, and where they were going. Mohawks, Pink hair and chains were an outward manefesto of everything I knew I was and knew I wanted to be.
Since my present state is lacking all of the above, some questions naturally developed on their own in responce: where did it go? No more pink hair? No more chains and lace and studs? If that is who I AM... what happened?

A few months ago I realized I knew who I had been (and even who I was) but I was not who I NEEDED to be.

I though that being older never felt any different...
I was wrong... I'm 21 and I do feel different.
I feel more alive.
I feel lighter (and not just becasue I am loosing weight).

Maybe I am defying gravity

I believe that inspiration is around us everywhere
I believe the best way to find yourself is to get lost
I believe time away from technology is necessary
I believe that dogs are man's best friend
I believe that we are capable of way more
I believe in music
I believe when you are close to god the rest falls into place

I want to go back to Rome
I want to to back to Paris
I want to serve a mission
I want to join the peace corps
I want to see new lights

Maybe my mind has an autoLIEogrophy on loop that I made for myself--a perfect life, created and written for myself. Maybe sometimes it is better than real life. Maybe revenge is a dish best served cold and is always in stock in my mind. Maybe I have the balls to tell people what I really think. maybe I want to hurt the people that have hurt me. Maybe I back down to easily from a fight. Maybe.
BUT, I do know how to dream and how to trust and that revenge may be best when served cold, but that cold dishs aren't too heart warming and that fighting fire with fire only leads to out of control passion.

A past version of myself would probably tell you differently, but in all honesty the worst thing that happened to me summer 08 was that I found out the Jonas Brothers covered "year 3000", and the worst thing that happened to me winter 2010 was that I didn't get to take a snowboarding class. I'm greatful for heartache and failed crushes and for the things they have taught me and the lifes they have saved me from.
A new spin on things is always a fresh and welcome change and winter 2011 is a new oportunity.

(p.s. this is what is going on in my mind 24/7... no wonder I have so much trouble sleeping and paying attention sometimes...)

1 comment:

Amy Doll said...

I remember when you found out the Jo Bros covered your favorite song of theirs.

Katherine Ann, I love you very much. You're one of the few people in this world who isn't complacent. Thanks for being an example of always trying to become better.

I love you bestie best. 21 is a good year.